Lessons on Love & Marriage: What We've Learned Since Saying "I Do"
I married my college sweetheart, Bill.
We started dating just after I graduated, and he still had two more years of college to go.
Starting our relationship in such different seasons of life wasn’t easy.
I was trying to figure out my identity, apart from being a super student whose comfort zone was most definitely the classroom.
I was navigating paying rent for my first apartment, working two jobs, and officially moving out of my childhood home.
He was trying to keep up with schoolwork, student teaching, soccer practice, and fraternity meetings.
We struggled to communicate effectively, especially in the first few years of our relationship.
Whether we were being conflict avoidant – either passively aggressively or outright – or being unclear with each other about expectations, needs and wants, communication didn’t come easily to us.
We came into the relationship with different backgrounds, examples of what a marriage was, and our own fears, insecurities, tendencies, coping mechanisms, unhealthy habits, and childhood wounds.
We dated for five years before we were married, and today we’re celebrating nine years of making that commitment to each other.
I’ve been reflecting and wanted to share some thoughts about my experience of what marriage is…and what it isn’t.
Over the past nine years (and prior to that time by watching the example of others), I’ve learned these things about marriage.
Marriage is…
The stacking of small moments over time
Accepting and loving the other person for what they struggle to accept and love about themselves
A constant practice of patience, grace, humility, forgiveness, kindness, vulnerability, selflessness, and love
Speaking well OF each other in public and TO each other in private
Not a “project” to be completed or a “problem” to be fixed. Love the person as they are and give them space and grace for who they are becoming
Giving the benefit of the doubt and choosing curiosity over accusation and judgment
Both of you against the challenge, not you against each other. Placing blame in marriage is like saying, “YOUR side of the boat is sinking!”
Asking for what you need and want (he’s not a mind reader, and neither are you)
Picking up a pint of his favorite ice cream when you just went to the store for paper towels and floss
Being quick to apologize when you’ve said or done something unkind
Throwing away scoreboards, brownie points and records of wrongs. Marriage is not about "keeping track"
Learning to love what your partner loves…like standing in the pouring rain at a European soccer game, even though you don’t know any of the players, because it makes him happy
Having each other’s backs and giving each other space to breathe and think and process
Encouraging the person’s friendships, knowing that being in healthy, life-giving community is one of the most protective factors for a successful marriage
Saying “yes” to a marriage retreat or counseling for your own growth and for the good of the relationship (even if it’s outside of your comfort zone)
Focusing on creating harmony that works for both of you vs. some unattainable striving for “balance.” Marriage is rarely 50/50.
Trusting the other person with your flaws and fears, knowing they won’t hold those things against you
Facing each other’s inner demons and tending to each other's wounds...and being gentle in that journey
Remembering and celebrating milestones and making the other person feel special (not just on holidays)
Something you have to work hard at to have a good one. Good marriages don't just "happen"
Being willing to flex for and accommodate the other person
Different for each couple. Compare your relationships to itself and your shared vision of what “ideal” looks like, not other couples or what you see in movies
Surprising and delighting the other person in small ways throughout the year
Acknowledging and appreciating the goodness in the other instead of nit-picking
Choosing the relationship over being right
Giving all of yourself, holding nothing back
Continually pursuing each other as you move toward mutual healing and wholeness together
Saying, “I’m sorry,” “I’m in this with you,” and “I love you” over and over again
Letting go and saying, “I forgive you”…over and over again
Focusing on what you are co-creating in the future, instead of dwelling on mistakes made in the past.
We don't do all of these things perfectly all the time, but that's not the goal.
We see them as a roadmap and a vision for how we want to show up for each other.
We know that doing these things will help us show up fully and unmuted for each other.
We can't to see what's next!
What about You?
What lessons have you learned in your relationships? Feel free to chime in below with your words of wisdom, one liners or lessons learned!
Want to learn more about how to build a better marriage? Check out my reading list on my website!
