Set Apart, Not Set Aside: Advice to My Younger Self
The younger version of me is sometimes unrecognizable to me as an adult.
I was Rachel Elizabeth Bryant, a shy, quiet, reserved, rule-abiding little girl. I was soft spoken and studious. I knew what was expected of me, and I fell in line.
I didn't want to stand out or be perceived as too loud or different.
I struggled to feel like I fit in or belonged, as I was one of the only non-Catholic kids at the Catholic schools I attended for 12 years. As a little girl, I felt deep pain as a result of social rejection from my peers and in response to the tension in my parents' marriage at the time. I rarely shared those feelings with anyone other than the pages of my journals and, occasionally, my dad.
Feelings were messy. I couldn't control them. So I kept them trapped inside.
I silenced myself.
It's like I was living my life on mute.
All of us do that one way or another - we silence our voice, our body, our thoughts and ideas, our feelings, our dreams and desires. Instead of living boldly expressed and joyfully alive, we settle for toned down versions of who each of us was called to be because it feels safer, even if it keeps us stuck.
Beneath my compliant, silenced exterior was a curious, creative and tenacious spirit, a writer, a singer, and a dreamer. I watched Oprah and listened to Tony Robbins. Though I didn't always feel like I belonged, I never believed I was insignificant. I always had a deep sense that I was destined for something meaningful and significant in my life.
I'm now a 35-year-old business owner who was bold enough to bet on myself, my calling and my talents less than a year ago as I launched my company.
Now, I live my life UNMUTED, and that's why I gave my business that name - because I've experienced the power and aliveness that come with boldly living the unmuted life.
There's power when we speak up, speak out and use our voices to spark connection, courage and hope in the world.
To celebrate International Women's Day, I've been reflecting on what advice the younger version of me could have benefited from. Here are some lessons learned and words of wisdom that have come to me over the years. My hope is that they speak truth and life into your soul and give you the courage to live unmuted:
1) You are being set apart, not set aside or forgotten.
Sweet Rachel, remember all the times you felt like you didn't belong, didn't fit in or weren't wanted?
You weren't being set aside or forgotten. You were being set APART because you're meant to do something really special.
You're called to be unshakeable and to be someone who is willing to lead, to take the first step when others are afraid to do it, and to blaze your own trail. Sometimes that road will be painful and lonely, but you will get through it and be wiser and stronger on the other side. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it!
2) When you label yourself, you limit yourself.
This belief that you're not wanted and don't fit in has deep roots for you doesn't it? Well, guess what? The more you tell yourself you don't fit in and aren't wanted, the more you'll see proof of those thoughts around you. You'll be looking for ways to confirm what you already believe about yourself, and you'll find it harder and harder to fit in.
Labels limit you. Talk back to those lies that try to limit who you are and how you see yourself. If you're going to label yourself in any way, make sure it's loving and life-giving, not limiting.
Here's the bottom line:
You belong here, and you are loved by more people than you realize. You were never alone, and you never will be alone.
Look for all the ways you DO fit in and ARE loved. The more you look for them, the more you'll notice them.
3) Use your voice to ask for help.
You’re going to decide at a very young age that being fiercely independent is what you’re meant to do. You will build up a tough exterior to show everyone how together you have it and how you don’t need help.
Here’s what I need you to know - living life that way will be hard and lonely. No one is meant to live this life alone. You are creative and a problem solver, so you will figure out a lot of things on your own, but other people want to help and support and guide you. Sometimes helping you is a form of loving you. Don't push them away. You're worthy of love, precious one.
When you’re confused or uncertain or overwhelmed at work, ask for help. Before you spend another afternoon in your bedroom with the door shut crying on your bed, go to mom and dad and let them know you want to talk to someone who can help you with your thoughts.
There’s no shame in asking for help, Rachel. It's okay to not be okay. Courageous people ask for help because they know it can make them better and help them get further along than they could by themselves.
4) Try new things, even if you're not good at them.
I know, I know. You want to be the best at everything you do…and you don’t like losing…or being embarrassed…or appearing incompetent.
Here's the thing (and I hate to burst your bubble), but no one is good at everything. Literally, no one. I don’t think you’re going to be the first, so just accept that and start trying things. Even if you’re not the best at it, maybe you’ll find joy in it or make a new friend. You won’t know if you don’t try.
Play volleyball. Throw a frisbee. Try out for a play. Get back on that bike. Audition for the choir (you know you want to!). Even if you're not very good at or the best at any of those things, you'll grow and learn if you try. You don't want to regret not trying, Rach. Other people will have your back, and even if you fall flat on your face, I promise you'll be okay.
Don't let your fear of failure hold you back from living life. Your best will be good enough for some people and not enough for others. It's okay if you're not the best. Just give it a shot.
5) You are worthy of love and acceptance regardless of what you achieve or accomplish.
You will struggle with this one. You will write a deeply embedded narrative that will get reinforced that will tell you your value comes from what you DO, not from who you ARE. Relying on external validation based on your accomplishments won’t sustain you in the way you think it will. It will feel good temporarily, but you’ll need another hit in order to feel good about yourself again.
Don’t confuse accolades for love. They’re not the same thing.
There’s something deeper that will sustain you, and that is to receive love from other people. Rachel, most people who know you and love you don’t love you because of how impressive and smart you are. They love you for WHO you are and for who they become when they are with you. Be your silly, witty, kind and thoughtful self, Rachel. Don’t worry so much about being impressive. Focus on being honest and real.
6) Don't give away your power.
There will be many, many, many, many times when people will frustrate you, upset you, do something you don’t like or didn’t expect, or times when they will hurt your feelings. They will behave in ways that don't make sense to you. You will think they're intentionally trying to hurt you...but most of the time they're not. They're just doing what they think will get them what they want.
In those moments, your immediate response will be anger or fear because you won't feel safe. When you give someone else permission to hijack how you feel and behave, you are giving away your power. That is a choice. How you respond is always a choice. On the hard days when you're not sure you can push past the pain you feel as a result of how other people treat you or respond to you, know that you ultimately get to choose how to respond.
Don’t give one person or a group of people the power to turn in a good day into a bad one. Don’t give away your power, sweet girl.
7) You will not miss what is meant for you.
You're worried that you'll make a mistake or make the wrong choice or miss out on what you think you're supposed to do, right?
You’re going to wonder when your time is coming and what unique things you’re meant to do while you’re here. You’re going to see other people doing and saying things that you think you should be doing. You’ll get frustrated with yourself and will try to force out something so that you are noticed.
People can tell the difference between what is forced out and manufactured vs. what is pouring out of you as an overflow of who you are.
Release what’s inside of you. Don’t force it.
I know it's hard to let go of trying to control the outcome, but trust me on this one - you won't miss out on what is meant for you. No matter how hard you try to resist it, avoid it or delay it, if something is meant to happen in your life and for you, it will happen.
It will happen when it needs to happen, when it’s meant to happen, and not a moment sooner.
Allow the unfolding.
Rachel, you are a force and you are here to change the world, to awaken people to what’s possible, to spread hope and light, to bring life with you wherever you go.
Remember these truths:
You’re being set apart, not set aside or forgotten.
When you label yourself, you limit yourself.
Use your voice to ask for help.
Try new things, even if you're not good at them.
You are worthy of love and acceptance regardless of what you achieve or accomplish.
Don't give away your power.
You will not miss what is meant for you.
Oh, and here's one more thing to encourage you:
What’s coming is even better than you could have imagined!
